Those Left Behind
by MistyC
Summary: Goodbye is not always the end


Title: Those left behind

Author: MistyC

Summary: Goodbye doesn't have to be the end.

Author's notes: I was watching 'Letters from Pegasus' the other day, and noticed a small anomaly. When John was recording his message to Colonel Sumner's family about his death, there was a very plain background behind him. When we see everyone saying goodbye in the last minutes of the episode on their messages, John is clearly standing in his quarters with the poster of Johnny Cash behind him. This implies to me that he did go ahead and leave a personal message for someone, despite his protestations that he didn't have anyone to leave a message for. So that brought up the question, who was the second message for? That question resulted in the following ficlet.

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the characters.

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Staring at the flash drive in his hand, Patrick Sheppard made the appropriate reply as the military officer at the door nodded and strode away. It took a few minutes before he realized he was standing in the open doorway by himself, and he backed away, closing the door softly. He made his way slowly toward his office, not sure he wanted to see what was on the disk.

When he'd opened the door to find a military officer standing on his doorstep, his heart had nearly stopped in his chest. He was sure the next words he would hear would be 'I'm sorry to have to inform you…' He was so sure he had just lost a son that it took a few minutes for the words that were actually being spoken to sink in. Though the circumstances surrounding the message on the flash drive were classified and Patrick could never know what prompted it, he had been assured that his son was alive and well and on a very important mission for his country. The message that had just been delivered had been recorded at a very critical time for his son and the people stationed with him. They had thought they would all die very soon, and had left messages for family and friends.

The officer, whose name Patrick didn't remember hearing, had informed him that the military had decided to release the messages to their intended recipients, and had said they were glad to be able to relay the information that the author of this message was alive and well. From that, Patrick knew that some of the people serving with his son had not survived, and that even now, their families were being handed the last message their loved one had left, along with the condolences Patrick had been so sure he was about to hear. Though he felt for those other families, he couldn't help the surge of relief and gratitude that flooded through him at knowing that John was still alive, somewhere out there.

Sitting down at his desk, he stared at the drive for a moment before inserting it into the USB port. Opening the proper directory, he sat back in his chair. This message was intended to be his son's last words to his family. Did he have the right to watch this? He had no idea what was in that file, but he had the feeling that John wouldn't want anyone to see the message unless he was truly gone. However, he hadn't seen his son in years, hadn't so much as talked to him on the phone. Knowing that whatever John had been facing had been dire enough for him to leave such a message, though, increased his anxiety over his son's fate. The need to see his son's face overwhelmed him, and he reached forward, opening the file. As an image popped into existence on the computer screen, he hit the pause button, simply examining his son's face for a long moment.

The first thing he noticed was the serious, worried expression on his son's face. Even if he had not been told that his son had been facing thoughts of his imminent demise, he would have known that John was tense and concerned about something. Maybe someone who didn't know him wouldn't have been able to tell just how worried John was, but to Patrick, it was written all over his face. The expression in those hazel eyes made it clear to Patrick that John truly had no expectation of surviving whatever he had been facing. Despite the seriousness of the moment, Patrick couldn't help the brief smile of amusement. John's hair was in as much disarray as it had always been in as a child. He wondered how John was able to get away with that in the military.

A wistful smile crossed his face as he saw the edge of a Johnny Cash poster in the background. John had always identified a bit too much with 'the man in black', the loner, the one who stood on his own against the world. He had always been so damned independent, never accepting anyone's help or guidance. If he had, maybe things could have been different between them. Letting out a sad sigh, Patrick had to accept that the problems between them had been at least as much his fault as his son's. John had definitely inherited his stubbornness and determination. While it may have served them both well in their chosen careers, it certainly hadn't done much for their relationship.

Curiosity taking control, Patrick reached forward and pushed play, taking a deep breath to keep control of himself as the message began.

John looked directly into the camera. "Hi… Dad." The pause in between those words drove home to Patrick just how long it had been since they had spoken and how far apart they had drifted over those years. He watched as John cleared his throat and glanced away, then back to the camera. "I realize it's been a long time since we've spoken, and I'm not sure that this is such a good idea now, but I had a few things I needed to say." John took a deep breath, as if unsure how to say what he wanted, then started again. "We don't leave our people behind. That's one of the fundamental rules we operate by. No matter what, we bring our people back home; we don't leave them behind. I've always operated by that, it's sort of what got me in trouble, actually." He rolled his eyes a little at that thought, then met the camera lens again.

"Anyway, we're facing something here the likes of which we've never seen before. I can't go into any detail, and I'm sorry for that. The people here have become like a family to me, the things we've seen, the things we've faced together. I'd go to any extremes, do anything humanly possible, or even things that we never thought possible in order to keep them safe. But I don't know if that's going to be enough this time. We'll fight to the very last. None of us are going to go quietly, but I'm not sure we can actually survive this one."

On the video, John stopped and looked down for a long moment. Patrick could feel his chest getting tight as he watched his son struggle to find words that he thought could well be the last ones he ever spoke to his father. "If that's the case," John finally said, looking back up at the camera. "Then I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for the way things were between us. I don't regret my choice to join the Air Force, Dad. It's where I belong. Flying isn't just a job for me, it's in my blood. I feel more at home there than anywhere. And like I said, I found a family here. So, even if this is the end for us, I don't regret the choices that led me here. I just wish I had handled things with you and David better.

"For all that my personal credo is that I don't leave anyone behind, I've come to realize that I did. I left you, and David, and even Nancy behind. I didn't fight hard enough to keep the people in my life that meant the most to me. For that, I'm sorry." John stopped speaking and looked around as if he didn't know what else to say before he looked back to the camera. "Maybe if we actually survive this, we'll get the chance to work on that." There was a long pause as John just stared into the camera. "Goodbye." Reaching forward, John turned the camera off.

Swallowing hard, Patrick found himself staring at the last frame of the video, his son frozen on the screen. "I'd like that," he whispered through a sheen of tears, extending a hand and placing his hand on the computer screen as if he could touch his son across whatever distance separated them. "Just come home safe," he whispered.


End file.
